An Open Letter to Teenaged Children of Adult Parents

During the course of your infancy,

I changed 2,788 of your diapers.
I fed you 3655 bottles.  Always by hand, never once did I prop it up with a blanket.
I missed 1444 hours of sleep.  Probably too late to get those back now.
I let you vomit on me 11 times.  Nobody else holds that honor, not even my cat.

During the course of your childhood,

I played your "The Best of Elmo" CD for you 491 times.  I still have all the songs permanently burned into my brain.
I sat through 515 hours of Cartoon Network.
I administered 93 Band-Aids, even to boo-boos that weren't actually bleeding.
I read Dr. Seuss's "Hop On Pop" to you 154 times.  I read the entire thing, even when I wanted to skip pages.

During the course of your teens,

I spent seven hours on the phone with your mother trying to make plans to see you.
I spent 23 hours talking to you about being respectful to your stepmom.
I spent 14 minutes reading your diary trying to figure out why you were so mad at me.

During the course of this year,

You called me on the telephone zero times.
You e-mailed me zero times.
You came over to see me zero times.
You told me you loved me zero times.